The Urge to Suffocate

Constant attempts at comfortable corners
cozy blankets
mugs of coffee
sweaters and pillows and
piles of food
mountains of books and
notebooks, pens
movies, infinite music
another and another unreachable prize...

(You're the demon that lurks
just behind my grey eyes)

squirming with feelings of
deceit and betrayal
uncomfortable, vulnerable
all I do is fail.
Grasping at any of the warmth all around
trapped behind the bars
of the prison I've found
when I'm in my own head
and cannot ever escape
the disgusting traits
of myself
that I

HATE!

I waste my time wondering
where the hell I went wrong
I admit I have known
I was strange all along
I stay in denial
thinking I should be loved
when I know there's nothing bigger
to cradle me from above,
to grant me a "happy life"
(meant for the sweat of blue collars
and ghastly white liars,
with their incessant attempts to climb
higher and higher)

So I hide from the judgments that
crowd all their minds
swarm their good spirits
(so discrete they don't hear it!)
the nasty new way
everyone thinks they should live
heinous telephone games,
pointing fingers and toes
anything they're told is
"Just how it goes."

No, I won't live that way,
I'll just live in my head
filled with depression, regret,
and impending dread
I'll choose to live this whole life
suffocating alone,
left to choke on the freedom
my compassion has sewn.

 

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