The Truth

Thought I was being open about everything inside
the shit I hide
and curse myself for feeling –
I think I must be dreaming
’cause every moment after another
put one foot forward, and then the other
I’m in my head, I’m in my shell
Creating my own laughing, sickly hell
a place to go to feel disgusting and ashamed
like I’m to blame
for this pretty face with the repulsion inside
I wish I could hide
my clothes, my body, my face, my hair
be completely bare
release the terror
that flows through my veins, screaming
to be liberated
from this gagging pain
keeping me closed, a dusty book on a shelf
no light to blast through to reveal
my true self.

Thought my actions were honest,
but the truth is I’m on this
kick of revelations, epiphanies that creep up
shine rays of bright light on what’s kept so closed up
the ugly I didn’t know was thriving
so deep inside me
torturing my anxious and even unconscious mind, it’s
so far into a reality
that’s made so entirely
of secrets I never wanted to keep
how did this shit get buried so deep
so far gone I didn’t recognize the patterns
that swirl through my head at every moment and lasted
so long that it’s now a concrete habit.

I let the squirms of the squeamish
and the hate of the fiendish
control the light that bursts forth from my chest
beaten down by the rest
that can’t understand the position I’m in
loving so much, but having to keep it all in
because who I love disgusts you, makes you
think I’m less than real
well I AM REAL
and not despite all of this “shameful” love I feel
but because I dare to live it, openly
strive for this new place that’s been shown to me
not cower in fear from the glares that draw near
but stand with my arms open wide,
ready to admit what I’ve tried so hard to hide.

That I can find a woman beautiful
has kept me drowning in muck
from that first mislead child that dared to yell at me, Yuck!
well fuck all the hate that’s been spat in the name of love
because I’m slowly learning what I’m capable of
and I can love so much more than you can ever imagine
having been beaten down by your degrading reactions
I can feel so much more because I know what it means
to adore someone so much even while your whole world screams.

I’ve spent years of my life cringing
thinking my touch would be singeing,
believing I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking
of looking into the eyes of a woman I adore
of grazing her arm, of even wanting more
but I’ve stored all these emotions too long in my heart
and it’s time I realize I can have a new start
so I’ll try to be brave as my goodness is saved
and I’ll try to be true if it’s all I can do
to feel relief from hiding in such a dark place
where I thought that secrets alone would keep me safe.

But now I’m done.

Done listening to the voices that hiss in my head
convincing me I’m unworthy
to keep quiet instead
and though it fills me with terror
to think of these truths that I share here
I must venture forth with my pure path in mind
so I’ll shine
spring forth to the glory
of finally owning my entire story
of finally admitting what’s been so hard to say,
I love both men and women, the truth is Im gay.

 

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