"I Will Learn By Conquering"

I Will Learn By Conquering

today i woke up and i felt like writing
but when there's nothing else to feel
what do i say?
some days are filled with ugly anxiety
others are melancholic and dark
miracle upon miracles
a good day crept up on me
that i look back on as
smiling and sunny
but on days like today
where the sky is overcast
and it's raining off and on
and i have plans but not too many
everything is in the in-between
my least favorite of everything
the grey area that holds nothing
no direction, no passion, no idea
if i'm even lost
how terrifying
to not even know if you're lost
to not know if you are where you should be
or if should even exists
or if it's all in our heads, as is everything else
and the truth
the real scariest truth
is that it probably doesn't even matter if i'm lost
or not lost
because there is no lost
we are HERE
we are NOW
and all of the plansandschedulesandappointmentsandmeetingsanddeadlines are all
made up
structured around the falsest illusion of wealth
and we have abandoned all sensation of the
real truth, the real strength
the one that only comes from within
that we cower from and are scared to spend our time with
our inner spirits that also hold
our inner thoughts, our
and then it really becomes a struggle
to look inside ourselves for all that we need
i must see the demons inside my head
as more terrifying
than the external, the materialistic world
the faulty structure that i don't even believe in
how can i trust that more than myself?
when did that happen?
when did that become acceptable?
is it possible to live a life completely built on inner strength
and still find LOVE with deep human connections?
it must be, i'll let it
not force, but let it
now that i can see my fears
now that i know my deepest fear runs through my core
and has nothing to do with you, or
anyone or anything else
but my own mind
what's in there that i am so afraid of?
i will learn by conquering.