Fear, Just a Bully in Our Minds
What strikes me as one of the strangest human fears is our terror of the unknown within ourselves...
Between my recent Reiki Master attunement and that heavy full moon in Pisces this week, I wanted to allow whatever was about to surface in my life to develop with my heart wide open and my fears patiently set aside.
Now, it feels like I've discovered more insights into my subconscious than ever. Each moment of enlightenment brings me more gratitude than I was previously capable of. Whether the realizations are simple and lighthearted, or heavy with complicated darkness, each one shows me a greater truth that's been hiding behind motionless walls of anxiety.
However, to actually see my practice of meditative tools working has been shockingly strenuous to accept. Despite appreciating not only my unyielding determination, but more patience than I thought I would ever know, and an abundance of intimate wisdom gained, every inch I scale deeper into my own hidden truths makes me sick with fear and reluctance.
This week I realized a habit of certain spiteful thought patterns that are so controlling they disturb and disappoint me. However, from these setbacks I've derived personalized ideas for further clarity. I'm thrilled to launch these into action, proving how much I still care about being the truest version of myself I can be.
And I did all of this by doing the most difficult thing there is for me, and many people in our culture, to do: nothing.
Well, not so much nothing, but more sitting with myself and growing in awareness and acceptance of the current moment. My efforts meditating are proving to be successful for self-love and improvement, so much to my ego's dislike that I am tempted to back off entirely from everything I'm discovering. I feel the need to run fast in the other direction to escape from turning into someone new...
But the most troublesome part of this is how inaccurate that very mentality is. I am not turning into someone new, I am discovering the being I have always been, far beyond all of the worldly anxieties and pressures that I have stacked like bricks on top of myself.
I know that despite heartache, I have to keep pushing for the life I desire. But lately, it feels like my physical actions have surrendered to hopelessness and difficulty, as if the weight of a thick, massive blanket sits atop my limbs and back with every movement. This feeling has made everything from surviving heated yoga classes, to just getting out of bed, seem impossible.
But from this weight, I can feel my subconscious urging me to slow down, to give myself the rest and the space I need more often than I normally allow. It's undeniable to me that I'm in a heavy transitional period, as I witness the uneasiness of something-about-to-happen growing stronger, and I will need the processing time to get through it sanely.
I felt unbearably stuck for days. I was so overwhelmed by all of these new opportunities and mindsets that I couldn't see how to possibly begin moving. However, clarity is unfolding as I come to terms with how incredibly narrow-minded I have been about the outcomes awaiting me. Now, it's almost too simple to realize that as long as I fight nature's truths and realities, I will be trapped among a web of chaotic, misguided decisions while drowning in the energetic flow I'm refusing to ride with. I cannot beat nature, I can only join with it for a life of beautiful breakdowns and triumphs.
(Even as I say this, I want to deny it.)
Life's events are going to continue unfolding outside of my control, my stomach in my throat all the while, but at least I know I can take charge of every one of my reactions to these circumstances. This includes the need to accept myself and my life exactly as it is right now.
Every time I feel like I have a solid handle on that, I discover some egocentric thought pattern freshly brewing in my mind, revealing more walls built up to fight against accepting my life. I feel terror mounting as I crawl closer to truth and completeness, but this reminds me to stay close to my dreams to overcome the fear of heartache.
I pray I have the courage to allow certain pieces of me to change, others to stay just as they are, and to create a calmness in my life that will carry me through the grand adventures I know await me, if I choose. While I feel caught up in indestructible chaos, the acceptance of much-needed space, time, and rebuilding will eventually lift me out of this instability.