"Breathe" - Inside the Mind of Panic

This was written in the midst of a surging anxiety attack (although I am thankful to say it was the first one in weeks, breaking some unofficial record I'm sure).

Setbacks are a necessary part of the cycle of life. They test the strengths we've worked for, and remind us why we needed to grow in the first place. I am strong, but I am complex. A strange array of anxieties escaped from my fingers to my pen as I wrote, my soul calm but desperate for release.

I am grateful for the beating of my heart, even when it is fast. I am grateful for another breath, even if it feels caught. I am grateful for a life of writing, for while it is a reflection of my pain, it is also the light that heals it.

 

I wish I felt like I could breathe
release the tight grip groping my chest
sliding its fingers down my throat
grasping the air from my lungs as I
breathe
try to keep breathing
my heart is on fire, the core of the battle scene
waging war on my body to
hold my mind hostage
torture my thoughts until they surrender
succumb to the bleeding nonsense
that I have no control when I choose to
let go
I feel safe in my slavery
without the bravery of the world to carry me
out of this place of pain I’ve called my own
set up a routine and played pretend it was home
denied my pure being from escaping the fire
trapping my light in the hell of my grief
but to breathe
push life through my walls
guarding against enemies that meant no harm at all
the truth tried to show me my ego’s got it all wrong
lead to believe in childish power
to throw fits against nature
puff up my chest and say that I’ll win
(Just keep trying to breathe it all in)
but then I drowned all the love from my heart
stained it black
I wasn’t winning some battle, I was
under attack
my fears tricked me into terrorizing the souls
of each broken down human
just praying for home…
remember to breathe through the pain I’ve created
so much my heart hates it
I crave a purge of my being to keep me from seeing
each ugly mistake that shoved the past in my face
so I hate myself, think I’m unruly and cruel
a duel with my soul, blindfolded by sick
incorrigible (guilt) wasted years
seeing memories as treasures and the present as
fear, as each current moment could
plow my feet from the earth
rooted by ruined ideas from my ego, but

REBIRTH
feel this air
feel it all fill your lungs
don’t cower away, be here with it till it’s done
molding my body back into alignment
I find that the truth waits for my heart to be
open, to show it how full this bold truth can be
that you can breathe life in through these moments
of the purest hell you created
and in time
they will vanish, even if you can’t stand it
to lose emotions you’ve protected
your whole life
hoarding anger and resentment to ensure you were right, but
you know nothing
of the light that beautifully
flows through each soul
crying your way through the years till you’re old
stomping and sobbing and trying to hide
from the end of this ride
but the truth is, you too will die –
there’s that sting in your chest
the truth pierces your heart
but you can learn to wear beautifully
this new breath, this new art
that decorates your organs, your veins and your soul
until you too are old
and can see all of the breathing
you’ve done for your healing
these worries and fears and anxieties
behind you
beautiful you
beautiful terribly confused sheltered you
with the biggest heart yearning to seek
the tallest peak
living so fully you look back on your time
and instead of just needing that
one
last
rhyme
you breathe
and let go of this world you’ve known
where your heart found its home
nested beautifully
in the sanctuary
of your own perfect soul.

These words are for you
my being within
you’ve held me from the beginning
you’ll cradle me till the end.

(I want to feel lovely at my own closing act
so I’ll breathe in these moments
before I can’t get them back…)

 

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