I Could Have Treated You Better
I strive for a life of peace for all, but I am human.
Despite my attempts to radiate positive energy, the truth is that quick-to-react garble has been flying out of my mouth too much lately. What's worse is that this persnickety side has been flaunting itself to the ones who care for me most. These good people offer their love even when I do not deserve it, and have proven themselves even more lately as I learn to juggle busy, albeit wonderful, changes.
My friends, this post is for you.
For those who continue to offer your support, even while I sic my anxieties on your imperfections, know that you are a perfect version of yourself, wherever you are in your journey, and that my harsh words are a consequence of a deeper battle within me. I will create honestly and abundantly, and explore a life of peace and acceptance so that I may adore your quirks, not punish you for them.
While I hope I can act with an open heart and not a jaded one, there will come a time I will inevitably fail. I know I can conjure the strength to pick myself up and attempt to begin anew, but I also know that I have dragged you down with me in the process, leaving you to find your own courage to get back up again. Know that I want better for you, and better for us.
My passion is palpable, and the thing about passion is that it isn't limited to unicorns and rainbows; it becomes a beautiful being within you that blooms and flourishes, but also cares too much and sometimes panics. While I am grateful for my exuberance, as I work towards rewarding it and not hiding it, I am aware of the alarming energy it can emit. For this and for future discouraging words, I apologize. Know that I vow to take more deep breaths, for myself and for you.
Many of you have been remarkably reassuring while I work toward becoming who I want to be. If the journey of self-healing was instantaneous, I would certainly learn its magic for you. But as we cannot heal overnight, my flaws will at times leak out, shamefully searching for yours to attack and feel not so alone. I try not to judge myself, as I have come so far, but I know that I can be better. I know that I want to be better for you, and for the rest of the beings on this beautiful planet searching for their own truths and working through their own insecurities. The last thing I want is to contribute to your obstacles, as I know how hard they can be to overcome.
What I want for you is peace. I hope to be a better facilitator of this peace with each sunrise, and learn from my mistakes at each sunset. I strive to live more in the moment, and less in the troubles of my mind or the pains of my past.
I want to overcome learned egotistical behaviors and fall back to the naturally loving oneness we are all born with. This is the kind of friend you deserve, and there are no words to thank you for your patience while I struggle to meet you there. Even at the most confusing times in my life you remained kind. And when you didn't, I know that you were reacting based on a negative attitude I displayed in the past. For teaching you to be defensive, I am sorry. I hope you can continue to trust me and believe in me; but if my energy becomes too much for you, and you need more space to grow, know that I respect any path you take for yourself.
Sometimes we need to fall to discover where our balance is off and why we reached that toppling point. Unfortunately, we will also fall at the hands of others. I now see this as a gift that will show me when I've acted based on weakness. When I feel attacked, I will step back and ask myself what I could have done better, and if this is the reason you've lashed out. I will become stronger, and alter my reactions to save you, and not hurt you.
I've developed a foundation by finding and expressing my true self. I've committed to a life of creating to expand my heart, even when I want to stay cradled in the lows. I've been humbled by a spiritual lifestyle of yoga and meditation, teaching me to grow even in uncomfortable places. I've begun to walk a path of understanding, one I never thought I could embark on. You've believed in me from the beginning of this path, and now I can return this support because of the patience it's taught me.
You stood by as I slowly climbed out of my shell, tirelessly reassuring me that all was not lost. There was a time when the only smile I had to cherish all day was the small grin your encouragement gave me. I now burst with laughter daily, and best of all, I now have the strength to bring this joy to others.